I’m back. (no not like Jack Nicholson LOL)

 Sorry to be so long away. Had lots going on, but now I have a break ;-)


Braces are OFF! I am smiling like a fool, looking for reasons to blind folks with my gorgeous smile! Its really pretty funny….

By this weekend I should have posts of new work going up in the (sadly neglected) Etsy shop. I have had so many commissions the last month or so, haven’t been able to take care of Etsy like I should. And NO I am not complaining, I am continually grateful that so many like my work enough to ask for special pieces. I especially like that they frequently push the boundaries of what I have done before.

It’s amazing how many friends I have made and how many doors have opened to me in the last several months. And all, mostly all- are from the jewelry work. Karma…. I suppose, I put enough love and care into the work, it’s coming back to me in spades.

Evan has been busy too! The picture of him here is when he got his first set of belt loops from cub scouts. We started Tiger scouts later in the year than the other kids, but Evan worked really hard, earned his Bobcat badge, 8 belt loops, 16 or so beads for his badge by the second scout meeting. He also got his Tiger badge a few days ago at the Blue and Gold Dinner. He’s so amazing, I am so very proud to be his mama. ;-)

OH- I am on the Craft Map now!! The link is on the top left of this page, check it out, has all kinds of lovelies to peruse…….(shopaholics beware!)

I am so very grateful for my very special life, and for my sons beautiful smile (and MINE TOO!!)

Best laid plans.........FaLaLa

It’s almost Christmas, and unbelievably totally unlike me- I am soooo not ready. I usually have everything wrapped and ready by the first week of December…. So much for smugness


I have wrapped exactly 8 gifts…the ones that needed to be shipped, and I barely managed to sort out the stocking stuffers last night. I have not shopped for Christmas dinner. I did manage to make some cookies with Evan last night, only because mom had made the dough for us.  Although I think (hope) I have managed to purchase everything for everyone, So lucky me…I get to do a marathon wrapping tonight…I intend to shut myself in the art room early tonight with a glass of wine and get creative-hopefully I will neither spill the wine nor discover anything has been overlooked…that would really blow.. Although rumor has it that Macys is open 24/7 until Christmas. Yeah, I want to go there at 3AM, can’t imagine how happy the associates will be to see me!

I am hoping none of you are riding with me in my little procrastinator canoe made of window screen…….

Merry Christmas! and yes I am grateful, for my family, my friends, that I actually dont mind wrapping, once I get started, and the bottle of wine given to me yesterday by a co-worker, it will be put to good use this evening  ;-)

Thanksgiving (yes I know it is way over)

Our Thanksgiving was terrific. I planned ahead, whittled the menu down to reasonable, prepped the night before, was calm and had a generally great meal. I figure if I keep doing this I may get it to perfection in about 50 more years ……..
Mom left immediately after the meal, I knew she wasn’t feeling great. I didn’t like the way Arthur our Siamese kitty was looking either. We cleaned up, had a great family night, watched some Christmas movie or other and turned in.

Next morning, Friday, Arthur was worse, I bundled him in the car, and took him to the vet, many IV fluids, meds, and tears later, we were on our way home. I knew it wasn’t right. I took him back that evening, same drill. Spent a portion of that night sleeping on the bathroom floor, Arthur in his crate, with the nebulizer running saline fog…….

Saturday morning, back again, this time, added X-rays to the list, after reviewing those, we knew there nothing further we could do. He was suffering terribly. He died in my arms. He was only 8. Arthur kitty was my 6 year old son Evans best-est buddy. When you asked Evan who he loves most in the world, the answer was always, in this order “Arthur, Mommy, Daddy, Nee Nee, Ria….”

I went home without Arthur and Evan ran to meet me at the car- “Where’s Arthur mommy? Why are you crying? Where is he? Is he OK? Where is my best-est buddy in the world?”

Me- He’s in heaven baby.

Evan- Dissolving in wide wracking sobs “what happened mama, what happened to my buddy, why did he have to die?”

I told him that the doctor has done everything he could do and that while he was trying to help him, Arthurs heart gave out, which isn’t that big of a fib. He raged at the doctor for not calling a specialist, he raged at himself for not being smart enough to know what to do to help Arthur, and he just raged, and gave vent to his pain & sorrow while I held him.

By evening, Evan was praying for Arthur and wishing to Santa for another kitty, not to help him forget Arthur, but to help him remember his buddy.

Sunday- out doing errands, husband calls, he’s found a breeder not too far. I went over to check them out. The woman was amazing. The cats were immaculate, just immaculate.

When I got home, I called Evan over, and said “you must have been wishing very very hard for Santa to bring you a new kitty”

Him- yes mommy, I have been

Me- Well Santa heard you, and he called me. He said he knows your heart is broken, and wants to help. He said he doesn’t like to bring kitties or puppies on Christmas because they don’t like being in the sack. He has a friend not too far from here who helps him when children wish for a new kitty, and he told me it would be fine to go over and meet her, and get an early Christmas gift, want to go?

He was in the car like a shot.

He busted me writing a check to the woman. I explained I was reimbursing her for the money she had spent on food, doctor bills etc. He thought that was a great idea.

We have two new Siamese kitties who have taken over the crate that Ria, our yellow lab, thought was hers ;-).

This is Ria dog, looking forlornly at her use to be crate. and Kitties, Millie and Silver....in the comfy crate formerly known as Ria's

And I survived my awful cold over the same weekend. And my Mom is doing fine, for that I am so very grateful.

And I am eternally grateful my son has such a wonderful innocence still that allows him to believe in wishes, and that his first great heartache has passed without damage to that amazing innocence, or to his capacity for love.

Out of the Margin

I have always found myself marginalized. I am honest enough with myself to know that it has been self inflicted, due to the usual litany of insecurities. But in the course of my incredible adventure as a mom, I am involved with my son’s school and have been forcing myself to be social, to come out of the margin and onto the main page. It’s hard, I stink at small talk, feel trivial, have no idea what other people find engaging, and am painfully shy on top of it all.

I have been selling my work, quietly, on line a bit at a time, for awhile and one of the other mothers discovered my etsy site, and purchased a big ol’ bunch for herself in June or thereabouts and ever since, she has been gently, persistently after me to do a party at her home. I finally did it, last Saturday night. The entire week prior I spent scared out of my mind, butterflies, hands shaking, wondering if anyone would believe I had suddenly contracted dengue fever.  Understand that the guest list was comprised mostly of other moms from our school and if I flopped, this was serious home turf, these were women I see and interact with on an almost daily basis, would I have to wear a bag over my head? put Evan in another school? oh crap.

The night arrived, and I was do or die brave and Juliann was so very gracious, so extremely incredibly generous, and so totally on my side. When I saw my work out on her table in her beautiful home, I actually calmed down. It looked amazing. I realized that I am good at this; I make beautiful original art jewelry. How great is that?

When the guests arrived, and start browsing, I could not believe the reaction I was getting, they liked it….a lot. They bought….a lot. They asked for special work…a lot. More parties. You aren’t charging enough. You’re talented. It’s beautiful. Can you make this...or that…? I cried happy all the way home.

I was out of the margins. And I like it...a lot.

And I am so very grateful to JuliAnn for scribbling in my margin, and showing me my wings.  I have such wonderful friends.

OMG I suck!

Because of my job, I have to leave Evan at school at 7AM.  Understand he goes to a wonderful private Montessori school. Most mornings, he begs me to stay for a little while, anticipating this, we get there earlier and talk or draw or he shows me his class work for a while, I can't handle the 'dump and run' thing either.  And my day is usually haunted by a measure of guilt that I am unable to be a stay at home mom, and must take advantage of the 'extended day' offered at this lovely school.  By the time I leave my office (@3:40) I am usually a bit frantic to get to him, where for the last few weeks I have been greeted with -at best- apathy.  Sigh.

Yesterday, I got to school, admired the masterpiece he had made in Art Club, and on the way to the car, he asks if we can go to Publix, "no, tootsie, not this time"  which precipitates him THROWING his water bottle across the parking lot, and yelling at me that I am being mean and I don't understand, etc etc.  I get him in the car, trying desperately to cover my threatening to leak tears and hurt feelings, and speak in a calm and peaceful voice with all the usual platitudes conveying my understanding of his frustrations, etc etc ad nauseum.  My son doesnt behave like this, yes he whines, yes he gets angry, but he does not throw things and scream.  It continues in the car, I cannot take it, I YELL at him that he may not speak to me this way, its hurtful, disrepectful, and cruel.  He starts to cry. OMG I SUCK. SO BAD.

So I pull over, park, get out of the car, and go around to his seat, open the door, give him a big hug, and explain about how much that hurt me when he screams that I am mean, that much of my day is spent thinking of how soon I can pick him up and spend time, even if we dont get to do anything but go home and make dinner or do homework.  Being a family isnt always about having fun, its about the mundane things we do to take care of each other too. It's about love, laundry, cooking, making lunches and innumerable snacks, it's about the dishes, and hugs, kisses and tickle fests, it's about cleaning crud from the bath, walking the dog and bedtime stories.   He kisses me and apologizes.  I kiss him back and apologize.

The rest of the way home, we talk about little things, carefully skirting the mutual meltdown.  At bedtime, we are laying there talking, and come to find out, he'd had a tough day at school.  He was embarrassed with his school project- which he did mostly by himself as opposed to many of the others having serious parental involvement.  He did a great job on it for a 6 yr old.  He also got in trouble for not being able to be still on 'line' while others were giving their presentations, and subsequently was not allowed the 5 extra minutes of playtime.  This is seriously tragic stuff for a 6 year old.  I explained that while his project may not have looked as cool, it was a better job simply because he had done it alone-mostly.  I explained that the kids who had not the the work themselves were the ones who lost out on the cool feeling of having done it yourself. We talked about having respect for others when they have their moment in the sun.  We talked about me not pausing to think that maybe he'd had a tough day.  We both promised to try to do better. We forgave each other.

And suddenly I didn't suck quite so badly.

And I am grateful for that.

The Bug House

Last night, laying in Evans bed as he settled in for the night, we were talking about his 'stink bug house'.  At school, on a daily basis- he cares for this little stinkbug out on the playground.  He builds houses out of mulch, twigs & leaves, brings it water in plastic caps, pets it, lets it crawl all over him.  His biggest problem is some of his friends will occasionaly smash the bug house.  So we (mostly Evan) came up with a way to keep 'Stinky' safer.  He's going to get a box, pretty good size, furnish it with doll house furniture, because "he needs a bed to sleep in Mama, and a table to sit at when he eats".  Decorate with pictures torn from magazines, have a hidey place made from mulch & leaves.  All the comforts of a buggy home.  Then we listed all the buggies that could come to visit, or even move in if it was OK with Stinky;  ladybug, walking stick, water beetle, caterpillars, roly poly's.  It was a great evening, and now he knows Stinky will be safe from the occasional friendly shelter smash.

I am so very grateful for my sons vision, compassion and imagination.  It keeps my heart light.

A Second...

I knew the weekend was going to be busy, I just didn’t know how many times I would be reminded of how fleeting everything can be. One little innocuous second can change everything.
The school book fair went as smoothly as we could have wished, I was busy painting faces, while Evan piled up every single book that had ever or will ever possibly in any way interest him. So we of course had the “you must choose” talk, along with the “you can’t have everything, and even if you could, where would you put it” conversation.

Sunday, we went to the Junior Elementary Social at one of the parents’ homes. They are so amazing this couple, so gracious, and generous. There is a pool, a tree house (or rather platform), a bounce house, a play set with a playhouse and innumerable things for kids to do.
Several of the men were holding court back near the bounce house, under a spreading Mango tree, apparently out of line of sight with the tree house.

I was watching the tree house from under the Chickee and saw Evan climbing the ladder, and the child on top of the platform hit him with, of all things, a plastic boat oar. Sigh. I start to get up, and see Evan backing down the ladder, so I relax, and turn to the conversation again, only for a moment. Next thing I know, Evan is running to me hysterical, that he had tried once more to get to the platform and the same child had hit him hard with the oar. One of the other dads, bless his heart, found out what the deal was, and confiscated said weapon. All I could think was I am so glad Evan didn’t fall. It’s a long way down. Men are still holding court, oblivious.

OK, Evan is fine, in the bounce house, I hear loudness, see way too many boys in the bounce house, junior testosterone is approaching dangerous levels, and I arrive just in time to see a child push Evan hard into yet a third. I called time out, got the more rambunctious ones out, whereby they headed for the pool. Sigh. Yep, Man Court is still is session, right next to the bounce house.

Evan and pals in the pool, Evan and one friend wrestling over the oar. Where did that damn thing come from again? Friend shoving Evan to the bottom of the pool using feet, hands, whatever. I see Evan start to -ever so slightly- panic, I reached in, grabbed the friend, Evan came up on the end of the oar, and explained that we do not drown our friends over a plastic oar. Man Court, I am relieved to see, is still intact. Yes that was sarcastic.

Standing near the pool now, watching like a hawk, I notice a child floating, sort of sideways, no motion that I can see, I take a step, and the next one will take me into the pool, when his mother, in her dress and shoes and all, goes flying into the pool, grabs him. He was just playing. He should be an actor. His mother is a hero in my book, when she realized he was fine, no yelling, no anger, just big hugs and lots of love. She’s an all time great mother, one of the very best. Save first -ask questions later. Man Court – is drifting towards the house, I guess they were bored.

There were more incidents, events and occurances, broken picture frame- casualty of a sword fight, skinned knees, heads butts, etc etc . Truly nothing unusual. I was exhausted, and frazzled a bit.

An hour or so later, on the way to a boy scout leader meeting , I came across an accident that had just happened, an overturned SUV, on a lonely road. Another car had stopped -a police officer and his wife it turned out. The officer was cradling the victim in the grass, by the cow fence, trying to limit his mobility and provide some encouragement. I asked the wife if she needed anything further, no, she said, calls had been made, services were on the way, and it looked bad, really bad. I got out of the way. I passed the ambulances, fire engines, 6 or 7 squad cars. The hair on my arms was standing up. The road was still closed off when I went to return home.

It only takes a second, one moment of inattentiveness, one small slip. We cannot possibly prevent all ‘those seconds’ from happening. Rather cherish every single second you do have, choose contentment over victimhood. Choose love over control.
I am so grateful for all the seconds I have had, with my family, mother, husband, son, brother. I am so very grateful that once in a while, I am reminded of how tenuous our existence is. It enables me to me grateful; it enables me to clear my heart for what is truly important.

A Note in Regard to the Presidents Speech to our Kids

The title to this entry is a link to the transcript of the prepared speech.

There is an amazing amount of rhetoric and vitriol being spewed by an awful lot of folks with some other agenda-in regard to the scheduled speech.

I am truly ashamed to live in an era where a president who takes the time to give a "pat on the back, you can do it" speech to our children is villified rather than celebrated. Considering all he has on his plate, I am amazed and gratified that he finds it of such grave importance and understands the weight the office will carry in speaking to our kids. I applaud his courage and conviction. I read the speech, I see nothing partisan, marxist, communist, racist or any other objectionable overtone in it. I see hope. I see pride. Thats what I want for my son.

Its been said that the speech was rewritten, so what if it was re-written? What speech isnt? So what that he says 'I' a lot-he's the president - if he isnt trying, who the heck is? If you did read it, you will have noticed he also cites parents, teachers, etc as trying to find resources, and gives credit for his success where it is due.

If my son watches this, and he will, he's going to come away more empowered knowing that the man in the white house actually gives some thought to what school children are facing. You people crying 'foul' need to get a grip. As parents, facing an increasingly lazy and self centered society full of 'gimmes', we need all the help we can get, all the reinforcement of a work ethic we can find. Who cares if the message comes from a democrat, a republican, or the Easter Bunny? Who cares if he's black, white, mocha or polka dotted? the point is not the messenger, it's the message. And it's a good one.

This man, our President, is telling our children that it means something to work hard, to believe, to try, even when it means failing, to keep trying, that if you want it enough and believe enough, you can make it happen.

What on earth is wrong with that? not a damn thing in my book.

Today I am grateful that a man like that takes the time to send such a positive message to my son.

Two Moments of Joy

I cannot think of better illustrations for joy.

My son's joy in the first picture, unmitigated, total joy in being six years old

Mine in the second, total, content, heartfilled joy at being Evans mama.

I am so grateful for my life, my joy.

Step Stools, Emergency Rooms and Nemo

This is Evan after a try at bouncing his head off the floor at Walgreens a week ago today. He got bored in the ER, and decided to try and draw with his feet...he did pretty well. The bump covered the right half of his forehead and was protruding about 3/8 of an inch and yucky spongy feeling. I have never been so scared for him. My mind goes crazy when stuff like this happens, all the 'what if's' doing an insane polka in my brain. What if...? What if.....? What if......?What if...? What if.....? What if......? creates an actual rhythm of panic-y images.

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To my credit, I managed to stay relatively calm (except when I thought things were taking too long in the ER, and yes I was mindful of other patients who were more in need) But man, that lioness mama part of me does kick in and kicks ass. LOL

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Nee Nee (my mom) was with him when it happened, she had picked him up early from school (camp) to go have ice cream and they were running errands after, fun grandma stuff. He apparently jumped up on one of those STUPID upside down garbage can looking step stools they leave around willy nilly. She told him not to do it again, turned around to get something off the shelf, and 'BOOM'. Possibly his selective 6 year old boy hearing had kicked in, and this time the thing went out from under him and he hit the deck, hard.

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Scared my mom to death, I felt so bad for her, she was so upset, it happened on her watch, and I know she feels responsible, but she's not-at all (are you listening Mom? XO). He's 6, he's a boy, he's going to get hurt, and badly sometimes. I always try to remember what Dorie said to Marlin in "Finding Nemo" when Marlin told her he didn't ever want anything to happen to Nemo- she said "but- if nothing ever happens to him, then nothing will ever happen to him......." words to live by, those are.

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But it's a week later, and I think I can safely put all the 'what if's' away, to come and dance a new polka in my head some other time....or not

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I am grateful for my mother, for all her love and support, her incredible capacity for love, and I am so immensely grateful that Evan is fine, that he is such a happy little boy, and that he loves his mama. Thats me!!